My thoughts

As I type this my thoughts are all over the place. I am one who doesn't like the whole commercial side of Christmas. Some days I wish we could hibernate through the holiday, oh well it still exists. William was talking to Henry the other day about Christmas and he thought it was all about getting presents, Ugh exactly what I don't want my kids to think.. So William told him the real reason is to celebrate the birth of Christ. Our family truly has been blessed during this past year. Despite our circumstances, there have been tender mercies all around us. Ones that we see and ones that we don't see. I am truly grateful for all of them. I was contemplating the things I am learning from our experiences. I am learning that the Lord doesn't give us trials to turn away from him, but he gives them to us so we can turn to him for help, guidance, and comfort, peace, you name it.. I am learning to take each day as a day not to focus too far ahead in life, because that tends to stress me out. We listened to a Mormon add by Elder Christofferson one night and it made William and I reevaluate how we looked at the day. Here is the link http://www.mormonchannel.org/video/mormon-messages?v=2649255347001 . I am learning to give more than we have, we were asked to give more to fast offerings, at first I was annoyed because I felt like we were already giving more than we had, but I was willing to listen to our Branch Presidents council and try and give more. I am amazed at the kindness of those around us, I am amazed I am still functioning, at times I feel like I am a shaken pop and I am about to burst, but then I am given peace and comfort. I have found an outlet in running, it is a safe haven for me, when it snowed the other day I kind of freaked out because I felt like I wasn't going to be able to run outside anymore. I feel like that is one of the things right now that is keeping me sane.  Needless to say a warm hat, pants and coat is all you need. I am learning to be grateful the trails we are facing. These trials have brought William and I closer to each other, instead of away from each other. It has grounded me more I feel. I don't care as much about monetary things, yeah they are nice, and I desire some things, but I am happy with my family, and the things we are blessed with each day.Yesterday and today were kind of hard days. Yesterday was the three month mark of losing the pregnancy, but I don't expect anyone to remember, heck I don't even think my husband remembered, but I did, and it was hard. I don't know why.. I have been helping a friend who owns a pottery store in town during the holiday rush, it is really nice to get out of the house a couple times a week and be someone other than a mom and wife. I feel like I have more to give when I get home even if I am tired. My kids are excited to see me and I am excited to see them, and I am pretty sure William is relieved I am home. Today while I was working a young couple brought in their three week old little boy to do some foot prints on pottery.They had to change his diaper in back on the counter because they don't have a changing table in the restroom. Anyway the baby was so perfect, sweet, flailing arms, and it made me realize what a  tender mercy it was for me to see such a perfect little baby who literally weeks ago was still in Heavenly Fathers presence. It was almost like a little piece of heaven was there. There is some doubt in my mind about our future, but luckily it is replaced by peace, faith, comfort, and the gospel of Jesus Christ. I am so grateful for the tender mercies of others, they truly bless my life and my families life as well!

Random pictures

Here are some pictures of who I spend my days with...

 Sweet baby E, he is one busy boy, he keeps me on my toes. He is always climbing on things, dumping out flour, loves to cuddle while he drinks his bub, loves being outside. I don't know what he thinks of the snow. I know he doesn't like getting his hands in the snow without gloves. He is a happy boy and lately he has learned to yell in his baby language, it really is cute...

This is picture of sweet Henry before his preschool program. He is one tender boy. He is known for signing I love you with his hands and also saying I love you at random times. He really likes Power Rangers and could play for hours with his action figures. I baby sit 2 times a week and the kid I baby sit is the same age as Henry and I have to say they are the best of friends. They get along so well! It is nice for both of them. It will be hard when I no longer watch him, he has almost become like my other kid.

 Our attempt at a family photo. I have no idea what Henry and Brick are doing.. Still all of us!

Londyn has been begging me to make gingerbread cookies so they could decorate them, so I broke down and made them and I loved the recipe. Here is the link to it, http://allrecipes.com/recipe/eileens-spicy-gingerbread-men/  I didn't add the whole amount of some of the spices. The dough was like pie crust texture until you rolled it out then it was really good texture! Definitely a keeper..I guess if you read this consider this your Christmas letter because we all know I stopped doing those when Jonah was about 3, too much work!

Londyn turns 9

Lulu turned 9 in November.. I can't believe this her last year in the single digits. She wanted to have a birthday party this year. The last couple of years I have been able to do other things instead of a party, because parties tend to stress me out. I don't know why?? So she invited 8 friends over for a pajama birthday party. The weather was so nice so they were able to jump on the trampoline before we started the games. We had pancakes, bacon, and sausage. She requested a cheesecake for her cake so I attempted to make one and it turned out pretty good.  We played games from the show Minute to Win it show, it was a lot of fun. We brought out the projector and watched some of The Croods on the wall.

 Her Room, she requested that she be able to break through the streamers, she woke up at 5:30 am the day of her birthday!

 She requested her usual crab legs for dinner, we also had tortilla crusted tilapia, and red lobster cheddar biscuits..

 She has always wanted to eat hanging donuts in the air so we did it..

Happy birthday to our sassy, feisty, determined little girl. This past week she got her first pair of glasses, she is far sighted. She is doing well in the third grade, she got all A's except for one B on her report card. She and Brick are pretty close or they could be the worst of enemies at times. She loves to read, play mindcraft, and have friends over. I told the kids they can have a need and a want for Christmas. She said she wants a certain toy and she needs a little sister. She keeps wondering why we can't just adopt a little sister for her... We sure do love Londyn, she makes our life interesting to say the least!

Halloween in December

The title says it all, I am just getting around to writing and posting Halloween pictures. Every year I feel like once October hits I can't really relax until after the new year. Which I think is pretty sad, but it seems like life just picks up during that time. This year Jonah went as a runner, Londyn went as a witch, Brick was butchy from teen beach movie, Henry was a power ranger again this year, and E was a 3 eyed monster. This year we did the uptown festivites that our town offers and then we trick or treated to a few houses at Oma and Opa's. It was a nice and relaxing Halloween. Enjoy the pictures..

Mission accomplished!

I did it! Tears of joy and accomplishment were shed by me as I crossed the finish line fulfilled. Fulfilled like I did my best, I ran hard, and I walked away from this half feeling great well on the inside, my body is definitely hurting. I had a goal to do it in under 2:15, and I did it in 2:11:58. As I was running I found myself keeping an eye on someone to make sure they didn't  leave my eye sight, that lasted until mile 6, then she was gone. At mile 8 I almost made a new friend, the kind of friend you don't want to have its name is concrete, I almost met it head on, thank goodness for the guy in front of me who stuck his arm out so I don't fall. As I was heading out of downtown, I passed fall creek rd which reminded me of the good times in the fall creek branch I had as a teenager. In past half's I always have huge mental blocks this one I experienced a few, and when I did I always saw someone holding a sign saying humpy dumpy has issues with walls too. Favorite sign, I also ran next to someone who juggled the whole 13.1 miles. Amazing! In the past I have always finished beat up, saying I will never do another one again. This time I went away thinking I am content with my run, maybe someday I will break that 2 hour mark. I might be getting a little competitive. I am actually looking forward to lacing up my shoes Monday morning and going for a jog!

Ready or not

              As I sit here typing this post I can't help, but think all I have experienced these past 7 weeks. I have felt so many emotions as I have gone through this miscarriage.  The first 3 weeks were the hardest emotionally, physically, and spiritually, but I have felt my Heavenly Father's hand in my life daily. Two weeks after the miscarriage I thought I want to do the Indy half marathon.. I had a month to get ready, i needed something to do for myself to keep me going and to keep me from getting depressed. Running has done that for me. It was so hard at first, my body, my hormones, everything was so out of whack. At first I was having a hard time running, I was scared thinking I cant do a half, it would be a total failure if I even tried. Then I realized Satan was just trying to tear me down, and I am not one to give up. So I got new shoes, a new attitude, kept running, and kept praying that I would be able to increase my mileage and i wouldn't feel like I was going to die. Well it worked, I feel like I can now do the half. I am excited, nervous, and determined to finish and do my best.  After my runs I always say a prayer, one particular day I prayed for just one tender mercy. After that day I felt like my prayers were answered. I received two things, one was a business card of someone's contact info for William for a job lead, and another was I had a friend announce she was pregnant, and I was truly happy for them. That for me was a huge step, I have had the hardest time since the miscarriage seeing people announce they were expecting, and its not like I hated them for it, it was just like opening a wound. But I have felt  I have healed with running and the Lord's help. So tomorrow my run is a very emotional one for me, one of strength, perserverence, determination, and finally healing. Here's to doing hard things and not giving up!

Spontaneous- not so smart

I don't know what I was thinking but I signed up for the Indy half next month...I actually got an email stating the price was hoping up Friday night, so before thinking twice I signed up. Ugh now I have a lot of mental blocks to work through to prepare for this. I am regretting it now, my knees hurt from this mornings run, but I guess it is time to get over it!

Expensive

Just so everyone knows if you want to call Mexico and talk for 17 minutes it will cost you $45.23. That is how much a call was for me to call my parent while they were on vacation to tell them I lost the baby! I would do it all again, just hearing their voice brought so much peace and comfort to me. We had already told everyone in our family, except for them and after i got off the phone with them, I felt complete. Everyone knew...I have learned for now, Thursday's and Friday's are hard days for me. It will get better, but for now, those two days suck more than others! We are hanging in there, William has started subbing for schools in the area, he applied to a university to teach, but I will not tell you which one...unless we get the job! I have been able to start running again and it has been so miserable,it is like starting over as a runner! My goal today was to not cry at all on the run, I did it. I have had so much pain in my joints during and after a run, it has been a challenge, I look forward to overcoming it. Tomorrow I had plans to run a half, then I got prego, I still thought I could do it, then I lost the baby, and I had more of a desire to do it, but I cannot run faster then I have strength, so I will not do it. So I will do a half in November, a half just for me!  Night!

Together at last

I have never been so happy then I was Friday morning when my husband was finally home. I woke Friday morning in a panic, I had to be at the hospital in 20 minutes and my husband was still not home. I called his cell at 5:42 and asked where he was? He said he was just passing through Mcgonagle. Which is bout 15 minutes from our house. I quickly showered, met him outside, helped him bring in his luggage, we had a quick prayer, and then I drove myself to the hospital. He was going to head up in an hour, after my friend came to watch the kids. As I drove to the hospital I was bawling because I felt like this was how things were supposed to go and it made me so sad, but yet so calm. I felt the love my Heavenly Father had for me, my husband, my family, and even the sweet baby who would not join our family. I have been contemplating Thursday as I told my kids and the look on their faces, their expressions, they were so sad. I went for a walk with Jonah and he was talking to me about it, and I asked how he was and he had tears in his eyes and he said he was sad. He was asking me about my other miscarriages, he of course was to young to remember them. I love that my children love being in a big family, I love that they want more siblings, I love that we are a family, not just any family, a forever family! My surgery went great, I feel pretty good, I am tired, emotional, but we can do this. It makes me want to my life a little better so I can for sure raise those children who never made it to earth.  I am so glad my husband is home, I am glad we are together as a family! Family is what it's all about!

So you had a bad day...

So we had a really fun video we were going to post on our blog of when we told our kids were expecting another baby...but I could never get it to post, so we were expecting our 6th baby, I went in for a routine ultrasound to determine due date and all that good stuff. The ultrasound tech said she wanted to get measurements and everything before she pulled the ultrasound up on  the screen for me to see. I was ok with that, then she said she needed to get a Dr. To confirm dates, I then knew the baby was no longer alive, sure enough the midwife came in, they did another ultrasound and I said the baby died, and she said yes... Ugh then the tears came,I kept reminding myself  I can do hard things, that has pretty much been our life this past year, lots of disappointment, but also lots of growth. We have also been blessed with tender mercies, so I don't want to sound ungrateful. It just been really hard this past year. As I write this my husband is supposed to be on his way home, but he is now stuck in Denver, I have surgery at 7:30.  My day keeps getting better my Dr. Was so kind and explained everything to me, he read me what the ultrasound tech observed, and he explained it in Laman's terms for me. It was so kind of him because of that moment I was saying maybe I should have stopped running, or maybe I should have done a better job taking prenatals,or I should have drank more water..  Such a tender mercy that he helped me understand the problem happened at conception and not my fault at all. After my appt. I found myself numb, raw and just in shock. I had a friend that was dropped off at the dr. Office waiting for me to take me home.. I just wanted to get home and hug my kids, and that I did. I found myself really angry tonight, angry enough to throw a plate and break it, I had enough of the kids fighting and being rude to each other. I snapped, I broke, I  tried to keep my cool, but I couldn't do it anymore. I hope my husband can get home, we need him, we need our family together, I need my other half during this hard time. I hope everyone had a better day than me....

Survival of the fittest

Well since my last post, Henry is finally 2 weeks post op and doing great, getting back his appetite , talking, fighting, playing, and cute as ever! He still talks like his throat hurts but he says it doesn't. I hope this isn't going to be his new voice, it is hard to take him serious! William and i celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary, my parents were ale to watch the kids so we got a room in Indy for the night! It was really nice, considering we got sick from PF Changs.... William left Monday to do some field work in Utah, he will be gone 10 days, then he will be home for 2 then he will eave again for a job fair in Houston.. So far we are going into day 5 and we are all still alive, me barely it feels like at times. I have had some great friends that have watched the younger two while I go for a run,which has been real nice! William and I are definitely better together, it seems that when one of us is discouraged the other one can buoy the other one up, and then sometimes we switch roles, very nice! So it has been hard since he as been gone. I love my husband!!! Henry has finally started back to preschool which is nice for him and me. I have been off Facebook for over a month now which seems crazy, I miss it at times, but I am glad I did it.. Yesterday we were at Walmart and Jonah saw hamburger helper he said I wonder what that tastes like.. I never buy it so next week my kids are going to indulge in it, so what is the best kind???? I will survive!

Medicine syringes, sleepless nights, and disappointment

So the title of this post sort of sums up my past 4 days.. Lots and lots of medicine syringes were used, Tylenol and ibuprofen have been administered around the clock for the last 4 days, tonsillectomy and Adonoid surgery produces the most foul breath, you can smell it across the room, ok I can. After the surgery I was thinking to myself why did we do this??? I have had conversations with people and forget to end the conversation before hanging up so sorry if I hung up on anyone, lack of sleep is getting to me. I have called to update people only to realize I just talked to them.  I really hope non of the other kids need their tonsils out,I don't know if I could survive. I have found myself exhausted, my house a compete mess, but yet I decided I will keep swimming, even though I feel like I am drowning. We have been blessed to have had a few meals brought in from members of our church,so that has prevented starvation or eating cold cereal for every meal. We still experience disappointment almost daily, rejection from jobs, something else not working out, no sub jobs available. Ugh it just sucks, going through 12 years of school and no job! Really?? I was talking to my neighbor the other day and she asked if we were still in the waiting game, I said of course, she reminded me that The Lord is never late... I was beginning to think he was way late, so now that I have that perspective I think I can still rely on the faith I have and go froward with faith, hope, courage and patience. We have been blessed by simple things people have done but really mean a lot to us, I got a care package from my sister today, yesterday my friend was at Wal-mart and picked me up some diapers, despite all the discouragement I still feel peace knowing we will have some sort of income to pay our bills and that The Lord is mindful of us and he knows us and our needs! Just keep swimming right????

Day 1 done

Well we barely survived day 1... Yesterday Henry got his tonsils out, the dr said it was a wise move to get them out, they were the size of golf balls..it was funny to hear him say it made the nurses sick because they had never seen tonsils so big. We got dismissed from the hospital, drove home, Henry of course slept off and on until 1. He then requested chicken nuggets, which I didn't give him, I did give him a slushie and a ice cream sandwich. He did ok as a long as he was distracted, they didn't prescribe pain mess because he was under 6, so we were stuck using Tylenol. Which I feel didn't do much for the pain. Finally I called the ENT on call to see what else I could do, he said if his pain was bad enough I could start on ibuprofen. That was the greatest thing to hear, we gave that to him around midnight and he slept until 6, I tried waking him for his dose of Tylenol at 3:30, but he wouldn't wake up. I decided that it was worth it, he seemed comfortable. At the point I found myself a little bit delirious, so I came out on the couch to get a little sleep. I walked out in the sun room and the sky was so blue, and I remember hearing about a blue moon that night, so I wrapped myself in a blanket and went outside and enjoyed the calmness of the night. I said yet another prayer for Henry and went in and slept for about 2 hours...needless to say it feels like we have a newborn again, I am hoping for a little better sleep tonight...now we just need him to drink more fluids....

Eli our survivor

Willam and I were sitting at the kitchen table tonight doing or homework. Those lovely questioners they give you at the beginning of the year to describe your child. William stated that he was pretty sure if anything ever happened to any of us, Eli could survive a couple of days, that kid can scrounge, climb, get his own water. Tonight there was a box with a donut in it on the floor, Eli managed to move the box into the sunroom, get it open,and enjoy a few bites of a stale donut before he chucked it on the floor..that boy is busy, he puts me to shame, today at one point we had the house cleaned,then he woke up from his nap and destroyed the house..once I feel better i am sure I will be able to keep up with him, but or now it is maintenance clean up and make sure the family is fed. Sometimes I wonder what he us thinking, what he might be when he grows up...today while I was outside with him he was rolling a trash can around the yard, sitting on the lawnmower and trying to attach a training wheel to it.. Just thinking about how busy he is makes me want to go to bed! Good night 

Tomorrows the big day!

Well we have wanted to get Henry's tonsils out since he was 2, but I felt like he wasn't quite ready. About 4 months ago I had a feeling it was time, so tomorrow he is getting his tonsils out..I am nervous, I am confident he will do better than Jonah because he is older than when Jonah got his out. I am hoping and praying for a quick recovery.. Last week e got sick, then Londyn got strep, and today Brick got strep, so i am hoping Henry can stay healthy enough for surgery tomorrow and during HHS recovery not get strep! Oh the joys of sickness, strep spread like wildfire in our house 4 months ago..and here it goes again! Please pray for Henry! When Henry had eye surgery ...

As I type this post my boys are having a dance party to teen beach party music.. It is nice to see Eli up and moving, the poor kid has had a fever the past few days and after a trip to the doctor he has a nasty double infection...it seems nothing knocks that kid down, but he was taking four hour maps and he was knocked down! I love my little family! I cannot believe that we are at the end of summer break, the summer I thought we would move and get a job...but looks like oxford will be our home for a while longer. I am ok with that as long as we have money to pay the bills. My kids start school on Monday, which is crazy,I am excited but also sad. I have enjoyed having them home this summer! But I will enjoy only have two kids at home during the day. I am sure it will be an adjustment for Henry and baby E, but they will adjust.. This Tuesday Henry is getting his tonsils and adnoids out, which should be an adventure, we haven't had to deal with a tonsillectomy since Jonah was 2. I am a little nervous, but it is something that is needed, the poor kid has some huge kissing tonsils.  I am trying to upload a family video, but I am having difficulty, hopefully soon! Happy Wednesday! An old picture of my dad when Henry and Lincoln were babies... They grow up so fast!

Life as I know it...??

So one of the reasons I left Facebook was because I found myself getting wrapped up in it. I found myself jealous of other people. I was jealous of the ones who had jobs, houses, going on vacation, and I didn't like feeling that way, beacause that is so not who I am.. This past Saturday I was pondering my life after William, my sister and I attended the Temple, and the thought came to me to get rid of Facebook. At first I didn't think anything of it, but Sunday morning it came to me again as I was starting my fast. That was something hard for me, but I wasn't going to ignore a feeling I had..So Sunday night I deactivated my account on the hopes of one day after we got a job returning to my so called social web outlet..I would be lying if I said I miss it, but I have found myself a little bit happier. Over the past year has been such a trial for both William and myself. It has been a roller coaster of feelings, events, both happy and sad! Last October I had a desire to have a better relationship with William, so I prayed that I would rather have a better relationship with my husband than a job. I started getting worried when we had interviews but no jobs, but I remembered how I had prayed for this and to be grateful for it. Because it truly was an answer to my prayers.  I cannot imagine my life without my husband, our love has grown for each other over the past year, instead of apart like when trails do affect people. I find myself truly happy with my role in my life, as a wife, as a mother, and as a daughter of God! At times I just smile thinking I have it all, we might not have money, or a job, but we have each other and that is what matters! I know that the Lord is mindful of each of us, I know he answers prayers in his time, I know that he loves me, and my family and that is what matters nothing else! Someday we will have a job, a house, and even I will be able to go on a vacation and put my toes in the sand, but for right now we have all that we need, each other! And every now and then I need to remind myself that really I do have it all, my precious family and extended family!

August 9, 2013

I am starting something new...I am going to update my blog more, and I am also off of Facebook for a while. I was looking at my calendar and we have been home a total of 5 days over the last 2 weeks. I am beat..looking forward to a couple of days home to rest and feel better!   Btw it was kind of hard not getting on Facebook today, but I can do it! A picture of brick !

Londyn turns 8

Londyn turned 8 on November 6, 2012. She is such a blessing to our family. She teaches us patience, love, forgiveness! She is all girl, full of sass, attitude, and can give the boys lots of grief. One time she was on one and I saw the boys run under the table and hide from her. I got a good laugh out of that! She is fun to be around, if you happen to be in the car with just her, she will talk your ear off. I don't think she likes silence. I think this year has been kind of hard on her, before we got home from Denver, her best friend moved away. They were so close and had so much fun together, it is sad to see them without each other.. I am hopeful she can find a good friend like Deva!  Londyn was super excited to wake up on her birthday and find out that her cousin Adelaide was born on her birthday!  Lulu was baptized on November 10. It was a special experience, and we are happy she chose to be baptized!!

Londyn's first 5k

Well in October Londyn and I ran a 5k. Her first on ever. She didnt train for it, just ran it she did amazing. She finished in under 31 minutes! It brought tears to my eyes to see her sprint to the finish line. I want my children to understand the  importance of exercise in their lives, so they can develop the habit early on! Here are some pictures!! Even baby E beat me!

Feb 17, 2013

I am sure you are all wondering, why haven't the Hokanson's updated their blog in like 6 months, well no good reason just being lazy. Hopefully I can update it... Here goes nothing. Well as many of you know William interviewed with BYU-Idaho in January, it went really well. Baby E and I were able to go with him, which was fun just spending time with E, William, and myself. We found out a week later that he wouldn't be moving on with the other candidates. At first we were really sad...We felt like we were to apply for this job, we felt like there was a good chance of us getting it, then we didn't get it. I have to say it has shaken my faith just a bit. I was telling William the other day 75% of me knows it will be ok, the other 25% is having a battle with Satan.. I am trying to figure out the difference between promptings from the Holy Ghost and feelings and impressions I may have. I have come to realize a few things, promptings from the Holy Ghost come quickly. Example when I was prego with E I had a distinct impression that he was not our last child.. I think that when we have impressions it might be things that we are dwelling on or thinking about constantly. Example: I kept feeling like William would get the job at BYU-Idaho, i would pray about it, and I kept getting the feeling he would get the job. Hence when he didnt get it, it sent me to ponder how to tell the difference between the two. I can't say it has been easy, it has been discouraging, it has caused me to question my faith, my Heavenly Father's love for me, William, and my family. But last week we were talking about some of the tender mercies we have received. After interviewing with BYU-Idaho we changed our prayers to that if he was not to receive the job we would be the ones cut first, so we didn't have to wait until March. We were granted that, at the time i was discouraged, but really our prayers were answered not in the way we wanted but in the Lords way. This tender mercy allowed us to switch gears, get ready for a job fair in Oklahoma in March, and prepare William for this new adventure. I feel like it is a mental battle with my faith right now...What if a job doesn't come, what if all those things I have said to others about faith and the Lord will pull through as long as we are faithful doesn't happen.? Enough of the depressing stuff, I have come to realize even though I still feel discouraged I do know everything will work out, we are ready and willing to go where the Lord wants us to go. Having a job is a righteous desire of our heart, so I don't see why it wouldn't work out. That being said enjoy the rest of the posts!