So you had a bad day...

So we had a really fun video we were going to post on our blog of when we told our kids were expecting another baby...but I could never get it to post, so we were expecting our 6th baby, I went in for a routine ultrasound to determine due date and all that good stuff. The ultrasound tech said she wanted to get measurements and everything before she pulled the ultrasound up on  the screen for me to see. I was ok with that, then she said she needed to get a Dr. To confirm dates, I then knew the baby was no longer alive, sure enough the midwife came in, they did another ultrasound and I said the baby died, and she said yes... Ugh then the tears came,I kept reminding myself  I can do hard things, that has pretty much been our life this past year, lots of disappointment, but also lots of growth. We have also been blessed with tender mercies, so I don't want to sound ungrateful. It just been really hard this past year. As I write this my husband is supposed to be on his way home, but he is now stuck in Denver, I have surgery at 7:30.  My day keeps getting better my Dr. Was so kind and explained everything to me, he read me what the ultrasound tech observed, and he explained it in Laman's terms for me. It was so kind of him because of that moment I was saying maybe I should have stopped running, or maybe I should have done a better job taking prenatals,or I should have drank more water..  Such a tender mercy that he helped me understand the problem happened at conception and not my fault at all. After my appt. I found myself numb, raw and just in shock. I had a friend that was dropped off at the dr. Office waiting for me to take me home.. I just wanted to get home and hug my kids, and that I did. I found myself really angry tonight, angry enough to throw a plate and break it, I had enough of the kids fighting and being rude to each other. I snapped, I broke, I  tried to keep my cool, but I couldn't do it anymore. I hope my husband can get home, we need him, we need our family together, I need my other half during this hard time. I hope everyone had a better day than me....